Burn That Shit

To put it mildly, I'm rather annoyed with school. The whole concept of the thing in general. I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for a long time - the whole flawed high school education process, getting into college etc. It's just starting to crystallize and I might have to go and pump out an invective essay about it sooner or later, but not now. I'm just pissed, extraordinarily. Hylkema's BS is annoying me, and I'm just getting rather stressed out. Oddly enough, I feel less worried about the AP Chem exam tomorrow than I do about the Physics mid term. I suppose part of this is fueled by the Stanford trip, which has reignited my interest in college, Stanford in particular.

I was very pleasantly surprised by how nice that campus was. To some extent, the location felt...wrong, to me. Or perhaps it was that I felt out of place, but either way it was silly and perhaps fueled by a little too much Red Hot Chili Peppers than anything else. Regardless, the campus was gorgeous and the whole place has really gotten its hooks into me, perhaps enough to get me to apply myself in school, though not nearly as much as my resurgence in determination. Of course, that's been accompanied by panic at the way that (I perceive) my grades have been sliding in all of the classes that I can't really afford to pay attention to. Anyway, Stanford was teh awesomes and it would take a LOT to convince me to go somewhere else over it. I'm certainly still very interested in Duke and Penn, but both require that you apply to a specific college within their system, which I'm not a fan of, considering I have nearly no idea what I want to do/study. Of course, I have yet to visit either of those two, or any other colleges for that matter. Berkeley was nice, but it just didn't quite feel right. Too big and impersonal. Very, very pretty campus though, perhaps even more than Stanford's, though I was very cold at the time and I held that against the place to some extent. I suppose if I were to offer an early guess, I'd go with Stanford, but that's more a gut feeling than anything.

Yesterday was pleasantly surprising - I ended up talking to Libby via the gmail chat function for a rather long time. It was really nice to talk to her again, though now that I'm (somewhat) detached, I'm starting to formulate a less biased opinion of her. Nothing earth shattering, but she has a rather deep streak of school hate and general grumpy feelings. Granted, Katherine is the same way, and between the two of them and my own frustration with school...well, I think the difference is that I don't hate most of the people at Edgewood, I just couldn't care less about their existence one way or another. That goes for a good chunk of the people, and I'm rather friendly with everyone else. So, indifference on my part, coupled with extreme frustration with the system that is fueled perhaps more by pressure and stress than anything else. That's certainly where the flaw in the system lies - there's more pressure involved in getting into a top-flight college than the actual academics involved in the institution. Certainly classes can be expected to be challenging, but the need to break yourself in order to push your grade up that marginal half percent in order to get an A instead of an A- ceases to exist (or it would for me). Right, so as I have been trying to say, over the course of talking with Libby she mentioned that she applied ED to Stanford, mailed in everything a few days ago, and that was basically the hammer blow that solidified a lot of my desire to go there. Not because she is specifically, but simply because it offered me a tangible view of somebody who is probably going to get in, and on the one hand it leads to a carrot dangling in front of my nose, it's also discouraging. And not. She certainly doesn't have the high class rank that I do, but her test scores are sterling. Extra-curriculars are more or less on par, so it gives me hope that I have a shot at getting in. I'm just concerned that I'm getting too strung up on getting into Stanford, and if I don't get in, my reaction could be rather bad. I just don't want to not get in, and then end up being a grouch about it for the next four years of college, wherever I end up going.

I find it interesting that, a year ago or whatever it was when Mater started shoving these college overview books down my throat, I felt intimidated. These kids that were getting in were ridiculously smart as well as well-traveled and had simply done so many things that it was singularly mind-boggling. But now, I'm starting to come to a strange sort of realization - that I'm quickly turning into one of these psychos. I've certainly got the grades, and I feel (right now, though perhaps not really correctly) that I'm coming out of a brutally cut throat institution (which could help with a little freshmen year push at the start of college) whereas somebody like Seth or Libby doesn't really have to deal with that. All of a sudden I've been all over Europe, for Christ's sake I spend my summers learning for fun and I'm a three season athlete in addition to the Wayfarer editor. So perhaps my chances are a little better than I'm afraid they are.

So high school's a hellacious shit hole, what else is new?

- Veracity Out -
"by the way i tried to say i'd be there, waiting for you"

travel note

I've been in California since Thursday, visiting colleges, for the most part. Actually, I've done nothing but visit colleges, and study like crazy for the AP Chem exam that's looming on Wednesday. And prep for the Am Lit essay, and prep the AP Chem lab for Monday. And do the AP Chem quiz. Dear God, it's been a stressful few days. Not much to say, really. Stanford>Berkeley, certainly, but I was more or less expecting that. And now it's time to get not nearly enough sleep and spend a few long plane rides trying to study some more and tie up the last few loose ends that I've left lying about. Quite good fun. I really ought to write more about my impressions of Stanford, but I think I can sum it up quite nicely in that there was nothing about it that I disliked, and I would certainly like to go there, if I got in. I'm interested to see what my reaction to Penn is, though I think that I'm prejudiced enough in its favor that I will find plenty to like about it as well. The only thing that concerns me is that I feel extraordinarily out of place in California - specifically in Palo Alto/Stanford. San Francisco wasn't so bad, and the Berkeley campus itself made me feel much more at home, what with the greenery and such. The school itself didn't do much for me though - if I wanted to go to a bigger university type place, I'd stick to Michigan or Madison.

I suppose I should be steeling myself for Monday/Tuesday, as the girls cross country team will likely castrate me if I don't get moving, but I guess we'll see how that goes.

Funny, I've been staring at a green dot for the past half hour, wondering whether or not I want to do anything, and I've actually resisted the temptation, oddly enough.

- Veracity Out -
"i'll be there for you"

PS - happy 100th post. took a while to get here, and i feel like i ought to do more to commemorate it, but i'm rather tired and i have to get up at around 3:30 in the morning...joy.

teddy bear

As mentioned in the Other Book, Homecoming was fairly fun, though I'm of the opinion that the dance sucked. I feel kinda bad about that, as she seemed rather bored and I sorta feel like it's my fault...Apparently interest in further activities is muted, which I suppose is alright...I'm rather swamped with school and cross country this week and likely next week as well, so until then I'm not singularly interested in dating or whatever.

I have stumbled upon the conception of that certain Someone as a teddy bear, partly as a result of minor references to that person during conversations prior to Homecoming. Why the image has stuck, I cannot say, and why I'm having a damn relapse, I don't know, but both are happening and it's rather annoying, especially considering that I have other things to deal with. Perhaps I need to give it more time, but I don't know that that would help much, given that this Teddy Bear has become my muse of sorts, at least for the LiZ Secondary Edition project, and I'm certainly not going to be finishing that any time soon. I really ought to get around to mapping out the story for it, it nothing else. Ah, I wish I could move on entirely from this, but at the same time my memories are far too fond and precious for me to let go of.

- Veracity Out -
"pull the curtain/begin"