high maintenance

other shit that be freaky

was gonna say something else, but i forgot

never let go

all hail that...i don't have the heart for that right now...

it's raining, and i'd really rather not go to cc practice cuz that'd just be miserable

i think 3eb is really just making things worse at this point, but i guess i feel like stewing in my feelings right now, so there's nothing for it but to mope. and of course moping is ridiculous, or so the rational part of my brain tells me. busy, busy, a legitimate reason...but it still doesn't help, doesn't assuage the patent distress at that endless sea of sky blue. i really ought to be utilizing the other book for this sort of rumination, but...ah well.

i hope you take a piece of me with you

what really concerns me is the possibility that there may be no resolution of this before school starts. if the connection persists, i can cling to that and get through the year feeling like i'm on the outside of things at school, and i would be, really - for better or worse. probably worse. no, definitely worse, but if there's even the vaguest possibility i would never be able to pass on it, not now. funny how i thought it was over this and then all of a sudden it's got a deathgrip on me that can't be broken. and if it's bound to fray and just fade away...that's gonna suck, quite a lot. i'll get over it, eventually, certainly, but the beginning of this year is going to be rough.

but what really amuses me is that initially it was the irrational part of me that was being hopeful while the rational part was chastising, finger wagging, no you can't have that, stop being stupid. now it's the irrational part that's reading into nothingness and getting strange ideas out of it, feelings of bereavement where there was nothing there in the first place. and now it's up to the rational part of me to assure the other half that no, there's really no cause for concern at this point, actually, i ought to be rather chipper about everything except the start of school, that there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about (...yet, is the awful, persistent addition of the irrational half). it's sky blue, nothing more, there is no significance in it, and yet there is, there is such a screaming emptiness there that it is impossible to overlook the myriad possibilities that blossom and self-immolate into a singular, inevitable conclusion that leaves you standing in front of a door with the certainty that this is going one way or another, with no middle ground, no hope in waiting because the waiting is agony that rends you into a thousand disparate hopes and realities fading into emptiness while the world stands still. the silence is scathing, but the answer may be worse.

- Veracity Out -
catharsis indeed